Right. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. And so on. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. Yes, you can absolutely get yourself in serious trouble in Vegas but you can also have the most dull weekend imaginable. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. While it has its own series of potential problems, leaving him in a hotel room in Vegas all day while shes in conferences might bore him into realizing the reality of the place. A little bit, mostly to servers who thought I might be lonely and often came over to chat while I was having dinner. I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. Life is short. There were plenty of women there without their husbands. I say go for it! But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. Fortunately, he wouldnt even ask because, (1) jeez, who needs survey results to help you navigate your marriage? Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. Friend: Uh-huh. Im trying not to bring up the topic for awhile till he meets with a counselor individually or together. Do please note, even if he does have terrible anxiety or other mental health issues, hes also behaving in a really sexist manner, and being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! He framed it as concern for my safety but it was really about control. Good luck and please update us! I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. Turned out my wife was in the backyard mowing but had taken a break before I drove up and my son was upstairs playing quietly on the computer. (And I love it when he goes on trips: he likes traveling.) I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. Last but not least, take some time for yourself. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. I dont gamble much. Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. I really dont care if you pitch a fit. Then disengage. It is easy to go to Las Vegas and behave responsibly. You should protect your son! Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. Hes a control freak who will beg, lie and manipulate every situation to get his way. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. Whoops, tried to highlight he says and stumbled into some html. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. Hes disabled, finds it extremely difficult to cook for himself, and suffers from anxiety, and he doesnt like me going on business trips. Tell your husband to get a grip, and then yes, get some counseling to get over this anxiety. Thats a CA classic. ), but she saw danger everywhere. OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. Like fposte said the husband would only mention his friends opinions if it supported his own. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). It was literally created by the mob and has legalized prostitution and gambling. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! My mother is like this about my neighborhood because Im miles away from Philadelphia. Never! In fact, were you inclined to cheat, you might be more likely to do so in a boring place where theres much less to do (j/k, kinda). Youve talked about what your husband thinks of the trip, and what you reckon the impact of going and not going would be on your career. My husband wants to bring his mother on our European vacation. It was a blast! I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! pathfinder: wrath of the righteous ending slides. Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. Maybe hes an abusive dick. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. This was my impression as well lodging, food, and entertainment is easy to get in Vegas, and (I would imagine) relatively less expensive than, say, a retreat in Napa. Kids are the most common reason for this sort of thing, but other caretaking responsibilities can also lead to spouses being very accountable to each other for their whereabouts. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). Its just as likely that hes just jealous and controlling, like every other sap who clamps down on his partners autonomy. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) I dont gamble but I love New Orleans it feels like an adults only carnival. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. We partially worked around it by him pack me an automotive emergency kit since rental cars tend to lack flares, reflectors, etc. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. And of course brains being not rational, could be a whole soup of something bad will happen which combines kidnapping, cheating, meeting someone else and Vegas-marrying them despite already being marriedregardless, I think OP should go on the trip. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. He knows that travelling for work is non-negotiable, so hes willing to put in the work to make it easier for both of us. My own husband went to Vegas for a conference a few years ago. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? A three day annual business trip to any location is not an unreasonable expectation. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. But I did find pictures of her with male strippers so yeah Im nervous shes younger and hasnt traveled like I have the world can be dangerous. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. Right!? He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. In Amish country. Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. If you dont trust me, and I have not given you reason not to, were done. There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. I had a meeting at a school outside of the city and a friend was shocked that there are elementary schools there. You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. Thats an unreasonable stance. These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. Sometimes together (we work for the same agency), but mostly separate. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. Same. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. But, sometimes there are letters that just make me want to scream. Sorry, that isnt useful. If he balks or outright refuses, then that might be a signal that theyre in abusive territory and LW should consider solo counseling to decide how best to handle it. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. I never felt less inspired to sin in my life. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. HE is the one who needs counseling; going together would send the message that its an us issue. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. Me: What did you say? That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. My husband was very upset. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. In neither case do I think you should stay home, and I think youre best able to answer the question of his motivations, and how to deal with them long term. Has he ever left the house? You can use this space to go into a little more detail about your company. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). I have some of this kind of anxiety myself and totally understand where your wife is coming from. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. Especially if you think it is an anxiety-stemming thing, instead of a control-stemming thing. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. I wonder if OPs husband has watched too much CSI? Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. See a g- d- counsellor. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. Advising someone that most religious counselors would agree with professional norms doesnt help someone in Bible Belt USA or traditionally Catholic Ireland or in rural Saudi Arabia. There is an incredible amount of stuff to do and fun to be had in Vegas without doing a single sinful thing, even if you WERE there for just a vacation and not a work trip. Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. Not a single word uttered). This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. I won money on a work trip to Vegas - do I have to donate it to my employer? Fiance knew this, but he was taking no chances. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). Or that he heard more agreement than was really being given by his friends? Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! Right now hes in Alaska shooting a documentary. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. The thing is, by continuing to comply with his increasingly erratic demands for check-ins, he came to expect them anytime he wanted them so if I went to a movie with friends and didnt tell him, Id come out to literally 30 texts wanting to know where I was. (Be prepared to be as fair-minded when it is your . As it were. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. Its the relationship version of all of the my boss wont let me resign letters! Its partially a trust issue, and partly the horrible stories some people tell themselves. Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. I went to Vegas for several scientific conferences back in the day, and I thought it was a weird idea until the first time I actually went. (Somehow I did survive!). Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. Your husband is being unreasonable. Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. Oh, god, me too! Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. Talk with your partner about why hedidnt invite you along onthe trip. The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. Umm, so Im not sure how to say this in away that wont come off snarky, so let me apologize in advance for not be able to think of a good way to word this: This was not a questions for AAM. Anyway, TL;DR, there can be hope for these situations, despite what the commentariat here may imply. The only people who would have a problem with visiting Las Vegas would be someone who has never been there! A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. I am from Las Vegas, born and raised there. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. I think she was happier than I was when I got married because, in her words Mr. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. Sorry for the confusion. My wife has said that the best way to think about it is that theres a problem with how I view things. Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife.